He once told me about his Grace pillow. His pillow he named after me. I asked him one morning about Grace pillow, He replied “ My Grace pillow’s doing OK. Its good to snuggle with since the real thing isn’t here yet.”

 

I replied “ YET? Haha.” (that was almost like a nervous laugh)

 

Then he said “ Im having lunch with the guys and im gonna go back to work since ive got a lot to do. And yes, YET. :D

“

 

A month ago I was in a deep financial sh*t because I miscalculated my budget and he learned about it because I haven’t been calling and texting, I told him ive got nothing on my pocket and that I was practically walking to and from work. And eating nothing for lunch. My cupboard was empty, my fridge got nothing but bottled water.

 

 Yes that happened to me, no kidding. That was one of the most humiliating experience I had in my life. I emailed him why I haven’t been calling and texting. Since my phone line was cut I had to use a prepaid phone service. He offered help and he said I let him know next time money gets tight. But I declined. I said I don’t want to. He insisted that he wants to help because he loves me and he doesn’t want to spend a week worrying about me again. I said no. I hope I didn’t hurt his feelings though, because In the near future I might be needing his help. I hope his offer still stands.

 

Did I hurt his feelings? I hope not.

What these two guys have in common?

 

They’ve clearly expressed that they want to come to Manila to come see me and be with me.

“R” haven’t. Not yet, Atleast. I hope I don’t sound like im trying to make an excuse for him, Hahaha.

 

Im just thinking that I could be wasting time (again)  to someone who doesnt have any plans of making our virtual relationship a legitimate one.

 

He hasn’t clarified that he wanted to come here and meet me. Maybe he’s thinking its too early. ( Im making excuses again!) Or he really isn’t considering about going here? Good Lord.

 

In fairness to him, he would always say that he wish he was with me, snuggling with him in the couch, or holding my hand, walking aimlessly. Those things are all good to hear. But what I really want to hear is, “Grace, I want to come to Manila and see you, and meet your family and be your real boyfriend, and see if you will like me.”

That’s what I want to hear!

So far I haven’t  heard anything that resemble those lines.

 

Am I asking too much?

 

I don’t want to ask him if he’s got plans of ever coming here, well i didnt try to.
 we are on a long distance relationship, so I think its just normal if we feel the great need to see each other, right? :P

 

 

I had two serious online relationships before that didn’t work out because of the distance.

 

First one is a guy froom NZ, 2nd guy is from New Jersey.

 

NZ guy was inlove with me and I felt the same. We YM everyday when I get home. My lunchbreaks at work were spent chatting with him on GMail, since YM is restricted at the office. We lasted 6mos, It ended when he started asking me if I ever get lonely. I said “yes because youre not here I get lonely most of the time”. He asked again if I ver thought of dating someone, I said “ no, im inlove with you, why would I think of that?” He said he felt the opposite. He gets lonely all the time and he felt the need to date someone from there. Then a week after that I think, I received a text saying that he’s dating someone there and that he thought that I needed to know that.

Asshole. I was really hurt but I didn’t demand any explanation nor any heart to heart talk. I didn’t call him to ask why . When I got home I cried a lot. I cried infront of my sister’s pc, I was looking at his pictures from my files, I deleted an entire folder with all of his pictures, emails, poems in it. Then I moved on.

 

 

Second guy was New jersey guy. He’s obviously a lot older than me. I like the image that he tried to portray to me that time. Very masculine, yet very thoughtful and sweet. I cant explain it. He smokes, so he understands why I smoke. He used to call me his hunny bunny. I love him and he was inlove with me too. So I thought everything’s going my way.

 

Then he disappeared on me.

No message. No text. No email. No calls. No nothing.

I was hurt (again).

He said he realized he was way too old for me.

Moron.

 

I wrote him an email shortly after I received that offline message. Saying only this:

 

F*ck you. You can go to h*ll for all I care. Old f*rt.

 

Ok that was mean. :D I couldn’t take it back, I already sent it. I ws deeply hurt, please understand. But ive moved on again. But one thing that I will not forget about New Jersey guy was when he sent me something, followed by a phone call from him saying “go buy yourself something nice.”  What a prince. LOL.

Now im typing a resignation letter again. The company is terminating me and 4 more people  for not meeting the standards. They advised us that they can have us transferred to another department, but the waiting period is 3 months.

 

I cant wait 3 months. Im dead.I got rent to pay.

I got 3 siberian huskies that need a sack of dogfood every month.

I got an unpaid bill with my dogs vet.

Aside from those, I got 2 credit cards and a post paid mobile phone line awaiting for my payment.

 

My mind began to race when I received this news from a colleague.
I told “R” about my situation and told me everything’s going to be fine.
Right. Eaasy for him to say that coz hes not in my shoes.
But im happy though, coz he knows how to make me feel better.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got a call and a scheduled interview on Wednesday actually.

Fingers crossed. Im hoping that I will nail the job.

 

Im really nervous because my apartment rent is due next week.

My severance pay will be givem a month from now I guess.

Ill get paid next week, I hope they will not hold my pay check.

 

So I didn’t know why all of a sudden things got romantic between us. I was kind of thinking what he mean when he said he likes me. Did he mean he likes me and he wants to see if we have  a romantic future together? I have no idea. Those times when he text me   hes like an older brother, a friend from college, a friend of my older brother. But never like a boyfriend. He wouldn’t say sweet nothings to me back then, he wont even drop suble hints that you know, he likes me in a romantic way. Haha.

 

And then morning after that Valentine text message, he asked me to send him pictures again. I said fine youll get them tonight so check your email.

 

I was napping that morning ( morning in the PI, night time in the US, 12hr difference) when I received a bunch of texts from him on my cell. He said he liked all the pics and was thanking me. Especially “that one pic”. He told me that I looked amazing and that he was really happy and cant get it off his mind, which was good. I remembered he told me that. He said nobody has sent him  a racy photo of themself  before so “that one pic” created such an impact on him. Oh well. Boys will be boys. I knew what his reaction would be prior to sending him that. I knew the pic was a bit provocative, but it wasn’t a nude photo, you could say its uhm provocative :D haha.

 

That’s when I got his attention. :D

 

Weve been like texting on and off since September last year, and it seemed like we cant get passed this being cordial and polite with each other stage, after two months were still like Hi, Hello How are you. I was starting to think if this guy like me at all because if not, maybe I just have to stop texting him or emailing him, I mean whats the point? plus  international texting is way too expensive!Haha.

 

Months later,  we’re deeply inlove and the feeling is so intense. I love every moment of it. :D

 

Let me tell you something about “R”

 

“R” is a very wonderful person I met on this dating website 8months ago. He;s very nice and respectful. Unlike those guys I met online who would ask my bra size first before even asking for my name. I met him back in September I think, I saw his picture on the website and got interested. I don’t know why. I must admit that he’s not conventionally handsome, but there’s something in him that made me click on his profile link. Im glad that I did. Reading through his profile, he claims that hes they typical, average guy, but theres more about him that I want to get to know.

“R” is a comic book artist. We had so much in common. We love to eat the same kind of food. We love the same kind of movies, weve read the same books, and most of all we both love video games. We havea lot of things in common ( OK, except for Star wars, imnot a star wars fan. This guy is totally a huge star wars fan. He sent me a pic and I can see his star wars diecast collection in the background, what a geek LOL) We can pretty much hang out and not get bored with each other’s company. I think we can go on a date without feeling awkward coz we know what we can talk about all throughout the date.

 

But the thing is…

He lives in the States.

I live here in the Philippines.

 

 

So…….

After getting this Valentine text, things had changed between us. Things started to get romantic.

 

Weve been texting, chatting, emailing before but were just like, you know, online friends, nothing more. Or maybe we were just trying to be polite with each other back then, haha. He wasn’t really my type, but there’s something in him that made me decide to keep the communication lines open. He told me he likes me, but I don’t know what that means.He said he likes the pics I sent, and the fact that I wear glasses too.

 

And so I decided to resign. That was December 30, I just waited for the 13th month pay and 30th paycheck, then I signed my going papers and hand it to my supervisor.

 

I told my supervisor that the night shift took its toll on me and that I thought I was getting crazy. But that was only some version of the truth. Truth was, I was really hurting because some asshole broke my heart and I cant function properly at work.

 

I recovered. But I was jobless L

My sis was worried because I didn’t have a job. She was worried because I might borrow money from her and she cant like lend me money everytime I need money because shes got her own family to support. She told me that via text. I told her not to worry, everything’s under control.

 

I started looking for a day job. And I almost nailed one. A sales rep for a copier company. I got a call and the voice from the other line told me to swing by the office to get a list of requirements. Why cant they give it to me over the phone? I asked my self. I was running low on cash. But still I went to Makati just to get a piece of paper and go back to Novaliches QC. I read through the list on the way home. The list is numbered from 1 to 15. 15 requrements just for a sales rep position? What the hell. I didn’t come back to their office to pass the requirements they are asking of me.

 

Daming etse buretse.

 

 

I fould myself walking the halls of another call center company with a resume on hand the following Monday, hopeful to land a job.

I was running out of money, and I didn’t think the money I had will last me for another month.

I was desperate.

One call center company after the other, running low on cash, losing hope, upset, sad and most of all regretful. That I resigned from my previous job. I was doing great, I was a regular employee and my job was really easy. What was I thinking?

 

I lost two things that I was really fond of.

My high end phone.

My PSP.

 

I posted them on ebay and were sold in no time.

But I got the money to last me for another month and to pay for my apartment rent.

 

So I continued looking for a job. And searching for the meaning of life as well. Haha.

I almost got hired by this US based credit card company based in Makati, but I didn’t know that they’re very strict when it comes to their employees own financial situation.

 

They found out I was behind with my two credit cards because of unemployment.

I didn’t get the job.

 

F*ck them.

 

I didn’t lose hope. I applied again and set appointments for job interviews. This time I tried this call center that’s 5mins away from where I live.

 

To cut it short, I got hired. Hallelujah. After 2 months, finally.

 

So now, I have a job, im earning money.

 

But I don’t have a boyfriend…………hehehehehe

 

I was doing fine though. V-day was approaching.

Until “R” sent me a text message.

 

“Happy Valentines day Grace. I miss talking to you. Text me when you get time.”

I had a perfectly wonderful job with a very prestigious international bank, the pay was just OK but the perks were really good. Then I got bored. That’s when problems started to come in. I started to become one of those people who rants about how management sucks, telling friends about being overworked and underpaid, when Infact I had the easiest job in the world, harassing people in the United states to pay their credit card dues. I kept complaining about my new teammates, my new supervisor, about the cramped work space, etc. But the truth was, I was just plain bored with my job. It came to a point wherein everything had become a routine for me. House-Work-House, house-work-house.house-work-house. I easily get bored with things. I had a lot of issues, I need to transfer from one team to another because Makati’s too far for me. My original team was my close friends, were really bonded, we use to go to places like Tagaytay and Laguna, we use to gather every payday . have some drinks. And I felt that I wasn’t really happy with my new team. I fell inlove, and got hurt in the process. It made me a lifeless person, who didn’t want to go to work, who hasnt got any desire to go to work at all. I couldnt eat, sleep, and I cried a lot. I could almost say I didn’t want to live. I decided to quit to deal with my heartbreak. I thought that it would do me good if I quit so I could think, clear my head, heal my broken heart and eventually get back on my feet.

I grew up thinking that I am special. That I have a gift.  My grandmother kept on telling me this, she raised me, she took care of me since I was 3 days old.

 

Someone even told me ive got a massive potential,

I asked that person, “what potential do I have?”

 

“You have a very big potential to  succeed. Only if you start doing  what your heart and your very core dictates you to do, that’s the only time you will succeed and will be blissfully happy.”

 

WOW. That’s pretty deep. I was impressed with how this person saw my future. I didn’t know if he just made that up or he’s just trying to impress me. Anyhoo,

 

Now that im all grown up, i realized  I am not special at all. Im just a typical, ordinary, boring person.

A girl who hates herself, a girl nobody loves, a girl who just committed too many mistakes in the past and will commit more in the future. . That’s me.